i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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