U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
