He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
