good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
