Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
