Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
