I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
