i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
