My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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