I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
