There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
