I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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