Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
