god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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