When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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