its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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