Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
