Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
