so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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