Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
