uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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