I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
