This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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