Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
