After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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