I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
