It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
