and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
