Banned from zoo.
Again?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
