I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
