Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Someone signed my nipple.
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