Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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