no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
