I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
