I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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