Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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