Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
