I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
