I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
