Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
