Your dad touched me again.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
