i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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