i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You were trust falling into bushes
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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