the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize