she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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