my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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