Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the day after is always just damage control
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
