this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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