I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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