the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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