omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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