Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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