Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
