Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
