Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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