Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Terrible idea I love it
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
