you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize