1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
