I CAN MOONWALK!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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